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It is all too easy to lose one's faith; it's a slight of hand in the dark that the self knows all the right moves to - but is faith really so discardable as all that? To be here at all, among the living, is an act of faith. You have to believe things will be different given enough time, enough patience, enough work. It's a great tragedy that we can't see the other side of what we're going through until we are standing on it. Rarely do we know how it was done. It takes a certain disbelieving of the stories we tell ourselves, doesn't it? I don't belong, not really, or I am unloved, or worse, hated through the guise of love. These were stories handed down long ago, chapters added, addendum addendum addendum.
One of the hardest parts of adulthood is that it contains heavy fog areas of childhood trauma. It's daunting to sift through our own badlands, but that of others is a motherfucker. It is not an advisable travel or our trip to make. When we find ourselves in spaces with people that make it extra hard for us to be in those spaces we have to remember that the only choice we have is to choose not to make it extra hard for them, or for anyone else, in turn. Sometimes that means we have to exit the stage for a while, or rethink what we're doing and who we are travelling with.
There is very little in life we have very much control over, but at the top of that list is the behavior of others. It can be easy to become disappointed, to lose one's faith, but it's a parlor trick of the wounded self. When you do anything important in life, anything that requires passion, perseverance and faith, you gotta do it knowing you're gonna get opposition, resistance, kicks in the teeth, cold shoulders, etc. etc. etc. That's just relational gravity, that's the deal of sticking around. You gotta dance with all of it, but not with everybody.
Just because you can get in the ring with someone, and you'd even be justified in doing so, doesn't mean you should. You can walk away. For as long as you need to. And not just from the ones who make it hard for you to be in something. Sometimes you have to step away from the whole deal for a while. Sometimes something is so rotten you can't really make any good out of it. At least for the moment. There's that thing about time again, waiting for more to reveal itself.
Most of us are very broken. Most of us did not receive the necessary emotional equipment for life's slings and arrows. Most of us are bad at figuring out graceful ways to deal with bullshit. And maybe we shouldn't have to. But, I don't much like what the other thing feels like either. So, I mostly choose to quietly exit the party that has turned sour, and mean, and small. To step outside, to look back in longingly but knowing it is what it is and I must walk on.
We meet other's along the way. And that becomes the place we belong. And that place keeps on changing. And so do we. And that's ok. Nothing will ever be what we fully want it to be. A little bit of anything good and true and solid is worth the multiple trips we have to make to wherever it is we belong. Back and forth, again and again. Not until we get it right, just until it feels right, you know.
If you know, you know. When something doesn't feel right you have to trust that part of yourself. Needed revelation. The opposite of losing our faith is accepting that our place in the world is never one place, one moment, alone. It is many. And that's a painful, beautiful fact of this life. We're lucky to be here at all.
I remain grateful. And on that road, up along the wide curve of dark, I go ready to meet those others with an open and loving heart. As I walk, I walk not alone, but expecting. Faith is hard to shake. So long as there is time. Is road. Is us. And holding on. Like this.